*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket