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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
nyc:
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”