When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*bites zombie*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.