Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.