my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
umm…
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.