Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The glory of fall.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids