In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
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Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’