When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
😂😂
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.