I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.