“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.