My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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What the hell happened here.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.