What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I have a new favorite meme page
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked