If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.