Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again