Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to