mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Stop sending me this shit.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around