The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You Might Also Like
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit