*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
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I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.