You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.