Mountain Goat : )
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
how high up are we talkin’?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.