“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.