I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
IT’S-A ME,
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea