Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Breaking news:
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Aight bet
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.