It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Good morning.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Sunday
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.