netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
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I’m listening
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah