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I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
This classic never gets old . . .
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!