wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first