I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands