Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994