You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
*Seductively hides in the woods
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.