Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.