Tell the colonel to bring it
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco