How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.