The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”