Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.