every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi