That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.