Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Leaving the Barbers like
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.