Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
And then there were 4
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.