*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
How to properly lift a body
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person