There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
my friends when i can’t do basic math