“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
happy valentine’s day to me
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned