Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.