That eye roll….
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.