You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans