Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
This is I, Robot all over again
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”