[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
When ur friends with white people
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If a snake ate a cake
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.