I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A French press is when you hug naked
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.