I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
one last job
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Breaking news:
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?