Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
44.65
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44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.